Wednesday, October 1, 2008 by Myke.

ROFLMAO!  So check this out.  This crazy ass lady decided that after a few drinks she would go scare some kids in her cow costume.  How drunk do you have to be to do this?

  “Do I make you horny baby, do I?”

All I can say is that if that cow came charging at me I would be a little scared too.  At least she had fun before going to jail.  I especially like the part about her pissing on her neighbors porch…while in costume.

http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/17589970/detail.html

Posted in WTF, Funny | Print | 5 Comments »

Friday, September 26, 2008 by Myke.

Have you ever been walking down the street or driving in your car and see something that is so damn crazy you just have to shout OMFG, WTF?!?  I have and after seeing these photos…well…you be the judge.

     Is it me or does this look like Britney Spears???  “Feed me baby one more time”

     “Sir-Mix-A-Lot, calling Sir-Mix-A-Lot…we have found your back you were looking for.”

      Big can be beautiful…but damn, that is far from big and beautiful.

  I have heard of dreadlocks and burnt Cheetos, but s**t locks…that is a new one for me.  I wonder, if you lick his hair do you get really…really jacked up and stoned.

     “…Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…”

Posted in WTF | Print | 1 Comment »

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 by Myke.

If you are anything like me, you could care less about where you need to go…you just need to go.  Then there is those folks who are scared out of their minds when they realize they have to poop at work or in public at all.  I figure as long as the toilet condom is available, go for it.

Today’s lesson is about how to survive the public pooping.  Once you know and understand these terms, you may actually enjoy using the public restroom.  I know we do. 

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don’t forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

Now that we are all educated at pooping while in public, feel free to poop away folks.

Posted in WTF, Funny | Print | No Comments »

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 by Myke.

Fart, cut the cheese, pass gas, blowing ass, butt burps, air biscuits, ass trumpet, barking spider, cheek flappers, tommy squeaker, trouser trumpet.  Whatever you call it, Rajendra Pachauri says “ass gas” is killing the world and is a bigger concern to Global Waring than all vehicles.  <cough dumb ass cough>  He would like each and everyone of us to stop eating meat so much and cut down the amount of livestock we have.  “Give up meat for one day [per week] at least initially, and decrease it from there,” Pachauri told Britain’s Observer newspaper. “In terms of immediacy of action and the feasibility of bringing about reductions in a short period of time, it clearly is the most attractive opportunity.”

So what this guy is saying is that each and every one of us red meat eaters is BBQing the Earth.  I am sorry to correct you Captain Dumbass, but if I were to say eat just eggs, broccoli, SPAM and some other random veggies…my air biscuits would be about as deadly as ever.  Let’s look at cows.  You claim they let off some of the worst gas in the world…but they do not eat meat.  So if you take away cows and other animals and make people eat veggies and non-animal products we would be just as bad as the grass eating cows.  We would have a world of butt trumpets blowing away the ozone layer in a matter of months..not years.  seriously man, are you really that retarded and ignorant o think that making people eat less red meat would help the planet. Guess what man, Mother Nature herself causes more issues to the air than mankind could ever do in a thousand years.  Hurricane Katrina not only wrecked havoc on people in LA and MS but it destroyed thousands of trees by dumping salt water on them.  Instead of trying to blame people, society and animals for “killing the planet with Global Warming’, why don’t you study up on common sense and think out things first.  Global Warming is just a way for people to try and scare other people into feeling guilty.  Guess what folks, this place was once all ice.  Do you remember the 70’s and early 80’s when we were told that the planet was falling into an ice age?  What happened?  Nothing.  If Global Warming was actually a major threat to the world, why do we still have winter?  Why have some of the recent winters been so cold and wet?  This summer in Colorado it was actually cooler than last summer.  Having a 4th grade education in Science is okay…as long as you are in the 4th grade.

Pull your head all the way out of your ass and think before you speak.  Having premature stupid thought syndrome is okay, as long as you keep it to yourself.  I will continue to eat red meat, fish and poultry for the rest of my life.  I will continue to blow ass on every person I can just for grins.

Enjoy life people, stop worrying about every little detail and concern of others.  Wake up, dutch oven your significant other, go to work, play ass trumpets in the break room and laugh.

Posted in The Facts, Rant, WTF | Print | 1 Comment »

Tuesday, August 26, 2008 by Myke.

“Stop Bird Porn!  Stop Bird Porn!  Stop Bird Porn!  Stop Bird Porn!  Stop Bird Porn!”

Yes folks, there is a group telling us to “Stop Bird Porn!”.  Let me guess, you do not believe what I am saying do you?  Well then, how about some proof.

Yes, that sign actually says “Stop Bird Porn!”.  Now what exactly is the protest of stopping bird porn?  We actually had to ask ourselves that too.  Were birds getting out of control and just banging away on power lines?  No.  Were they pounding the ‘ol birdy muff on the birdhouse for all to see?  No.  Are you ready for the cause of this group?  Well, here you go folks…word for word followed up with the proof.

According to the US Fish and Wildlife service, 48 million people watch birds.  A private research group, The Good Conduct Society (virgin prudes), has discovered Bird Watchers are more sexually active than others.

The elderly find that Bird Watching is not strenuous.  And this erotic experience can be enjoyed privately through binoculars.

“Most disturbing,” said the Society’s director, Anaida Krok, “are the groups of Bird Watchers seeking vicarious sexual gratification in the woods.  Shamelessly, they blatantly observe God’s defenseless creatures mating.”

<still laughing>

Okay, so if I am to understand this group, www.stopbirdporn.org, they want all Bird Watchers to stop watching birds and then humping like birds in the woods.  It is hurting the birds feelings that you are watching.  <trying to compose myself>  I mean, did the leader of the birds go find this group and tell them this?  Okay, how about we hear more from this group?  Ready?

A psychologist who studies bird watching says: “Adults, disguised as bird watchers mask their debauchery by taking trips in groups. They can then achieve climax in the safety of the woods. Particularly disturbing is the high number of senior citizens using binoculars and telescopes to observe birds mating.

“These horny Peeing Toms satisfy their craving for sex by focusing their debasement on birds. This perversion must be halted, otherwise the entire moral fibre of our nation is going to hell.”.

A former birdwatcher, who recently resigned from his club in Meritt Island, FL, said:“I am sad about the reprehensible behavior of these bird watchers who need to satisfy their pornographic pleasures. Shame on them!”.

A member of Congress, who requested anonymity, is quietly drafting legislature that would levy stiff fines against people caught with bird porn in their possession, either photos or Internet images.

Now, that was from their front page on the Internet.  “These horny peeing Toms” <burst of laughter> are you serious.  I really hope they meant peeping toms, but either way, that is funny.

Okay, a bit more serious now.  With all of the issue we have in this Country/World, this is the best they could go after to protect?  I mean, how about we “Stop Child Molestation” or “Stop Rape”.  People, “Bird Porn” is the least of our worries.  The fact that a member of Congress is actually pursuing this issue is even more scary to me.  This site actually says that our nation is going to hell because of Bird Porn.  Really?  Really?!?

Posted in WTF, Funny | Print | 4 Comments »

Tuesday, August 26, 2008 by Myke.

Well folks, day 2 was much better than day 1 that is for sure.  There was of course the groups that got arrested again for not obeying the traffic laws with their march to protest.  Dumb asses.  Today was a lot more exciting in the sense that there was a whole lot more going on today as well.  There was a ton of police at every corner, alley and walkway.  And trust me, they were ready for the worst that could happen.  For some sick reason I am so ready for the tear gas to get shot out and the crazies to go running for cover.  I can feel it about to happen but nothing yet so far.

Some of the more interesting groups today were the 9/11 conspiracy groups claiming that our own Government led by President Bush attacked our very own country.  I am sorry but this one is a bit far out there for me to see the meaning or truth behind it.  I have watched all of the movies and the documentaries that claim to be proof but it is basically like watching someone prove they have a video of Big Foot or Nessie.  Listen people, when we look at clouds we all see something different.  If you truly believe we attacked ourselves, then so be it.  I do not believe that just like I find it very hard to believe that Big Foot is real and that Nessie is still swimming in the Loch.

Just to make my High School English teacher happy, I would correct the sign so it said “9/11 was an inside job.”.  Looking at your sign, “911 was an inside job”, I would be led to understand that when you worked as a 911 operator you worked inside and not outside.  Sounds fine to me, considering you would be out of work during rainy and snow days.  As for your far end sign, “9-11 = Inside Job”, no 9-11=-2.  See I just made my Math and English teachers so happy.  If you want to protest, at least write up some good signs and make sense out of them.

Today again we ran into the “Homo sex is Sin” and today they were in a battle of whits with a lesbian.  It was rather dull and boring to say the least.  Anti-Homo guys were trying to explain the meaning of the bible and the lesbian was trying to explain that god loves all children.  Both of them just need to shut up and move on.  Not a single person in this world can tell you exactly what God said and which “holy bible” is the truth.  Unless God comes out of hiding and tells everyone what he wants and who is right and wrong…SHUT THE **** UP!

I did find the codepinkalert.org ladies and this time there was no men…it was just ladies.  Maybe they realized that we figured out they were not a group of women but rather a group of people.  Either way, they were as retarded as before and not even worth talking to.

Well, it is getting late and I still have to write up my favorite post from today, “Stop Bird Porn”.  Yes, you read that correct and you will not believe your eyes when you read this post.  I leave you with some more DNC pictures fro your enjoyment.

Okay, so we are not done yet.  I have to include the shot of Myke and Travis walking with the DNC crowd while I was wearing my Oklahoma Black Gold “oil for the slow folks” shirt.  See if you can pick me and Travis out as we walk away.  I have also included the photo bombing picture of Travis and I making light of the Iran Tent Temple.  Cheers.

Posted in The Facts, WTF, Funny | Print | 2 Comments »

Monday, August 25, 2008 by Myke.

Remember back in the day of the playground games and gym class where you picked teams?  There was always that kid that got picked last all of the time.  It sucked but it is a part of the human brain that says, “I must win and you will not help me”.  I came across a story about a 9 year old boy who is now being told he is “too” good at baseball to play with the other kids.  WTF?!?  Are you f’ing kidding me people???  Since he has excelled at baseball and throws harder than the other kids, the league has banned him from pitching and are now disbanding his team to make it fair for the other teams.  Now mind you, his team is already 8-0 and moving right into the playoffs.  Sounds like a little league conspiracy to me.

Conspiracy theory note: Jericho’s coach and parents say the boy is being unfairly targeted because he turned down an invitation to join the defending league champion, which is sponsored by an employer of one of the league’s administrators.

Jericho instead joined a team sponsored by Will Power Fitness. The team was 8-0 and on its way to the playoffs when Jericho was banned from pitching.

I am sorry folks, but I dare…no I double dog dare the local little league here in Douglas County to say my son is too good at football or baseball or the local ballerina team.  They will have one pissed off Blogger on their hands. 

If you would like to read the story, it can be found at 9 year old told he is too good.

People, stop trying to belittle kids because you think they cannot compete with a good player.  Let them challenge themselves and prove a point.  You might be surprised to know that there are a lot of good athletes out there among all of the boys and girls.  Most parents just try to protect their kids and it forces them to walk away.  If my son was in his league, I would tell him to go out and knock the f’ing cover off the ball or strikeout swinging and stand tall knowing oyu tried.  Stop telling your kids to back down, encourage them people.  And you wonder what is wrong with our kids anymore…maybe look at some of the parents.

Rules to kids sports - No matter what the game is

1 - Play as a team
2 - Smile
3 - Have fun
4 - Always put your best out there, never leave knowing you could have done more
5 - Encourage your teammates, no matter what happens
6 - Have fun

Posted in Rant, Fitness, WTF | Print | No Comments »

Wednesday, August 13, 2008 by Myke.

…and by the end of this you will call him Myke Reinhold. 

If the title has offended you in any way shape or form, I would suggest that you stop reading.  I mean it.  Last warning people…this is about to get offensive and very hurtful.

<Sun rising in the eastern plains>

I woke up to a beautiful sun rise, birds chirping and Disturbed on the MP3 player.  It was time to get up and drain the meat missile, clean off the night stink and brush the meat chompers.  Once done it was time to put on the business professional outfit and drive over to the train station.

As I get on the train I hear the normal chatter of “blah blah blah” so I turn on the MP3 player and crank some Pantera.  As the train fills someone sits down in front of me.  Never mind, just another creature of habit on the morning train.  I get downtown and walk 4 blocks to the ‘ol grind stone ready fro some ever energizing IT work.  YEAH HAW!

I get to work and take care of the morning rush of “my computer is broke” (fixed by turning on their monitor) or “the printers are all down” (fixed by printing something to correct printer and picking up their first job from the printer they printed to in the first place).  :-)  Then my buddies arrive after sleeping in of course.  We all head to the kitchen and get the morning beverage of juice and water.

As we talk about the evening fun and what pissed us off or made us happy, Travis proceeds to tell me that the movie “Tropical Thunder” is being protested.  For what, being stupid and funny???  My kind of movie by the way, simple to understand, guns and bombs and really bad jokes.  He tells me that the American Association of People with Disabilities are up in arms over the movie.  Ben Stiller recalls a role he played in a movie called “Simple Jack” and starts off, “once there was a retard”.

“When I heard about it, I felt really hurt inside,” said Special Olympics global messenger Dustin Plunkett. “I cannot believe a writer could write something like that. It’s the not the way that we want to be portrayed. We have feelings. We don’t like the word retard. We are people. We’re just like any other people out there. We want to be ourselves and not be discriminated against.”  - I guess they never saw the movie, The Ringer.

Stop the wars, halt the Olympics, nobody go to work, take the kids out of school…someone used the word “retard”.

Andrew J. Imparato, president of the American Association of People with Disabilities, said he and other representatives from advocacy groups representing the mentally disabled met with DreamWorks co-chair Stacey Snider and watched a private screening of the film Monday morning. Imparato called the movie “tasteless” and said it was “offensive start to finish.”

“I have a sense of humor,” said Imparato. “There were parts of the movie where I laughed, but it seems to me that the movie tried really hard to go too far and then pull back on everything that was offensive except the issue of people with intellectual disabilities. I just think Ben Stiller and the people involved in this movie just didn’t think it was going to be offensive.”Okay, okay, okay, okay…so let me get this straight.  Someone came out with a movie that used the word “retard” and you are offended by this term.  I say we break down the word “retard” and see what is found offensive about it.

Definitions of Retard
- cause to move more slowly or operate at a slower rate; “This drug will retard your heart rate”
- be delayed
- check: slow the growth or development of; “The brain damage will retard the child’s language development”
- idiot: a person of subnormal intelligence
- decelerate: lose velocity; move more slowly; “The car decelerated”
- retardation; delay; a person with mental retardation; a stupid person, or one who is slow to learn; To keep delaying; to continue to hinder; to prevent from progress; to render more slow in progress; to impede; to hinder; To put off; to postpone; To stay back

I just love the Internet, it makes me less of “a person of subnormal intelligence”.  People, movies have done it forever and they will continue to do it.  If you cannot laugh and have fun, then life is going to be very hard for you.  I can laugh at every mistake I make and every mistake I witness.  I laugh because I can, not to offend you.  Enjoy life people, stop hating everyone and everything about this world.  I know, people will protest everything and will do it as often as possible.  I have always enjoyed movies that make me laugh.

I loved Sling Blade and every single comment that was used in the movie…by the movie idiot himself.  I bet you protested this movie and never even knew what the tagline of the movie was.  Well, let me educate you - Sometimes a hero comes from the most unlikely place.  A simple man.  A difficult choice.  If only the rest of the world was like Sling Blade, we might all enjoy french fried pataters or biscuits with mustard.

Next time you want to protest a movie, person, place or thing…remember this.  Everyone has a flaw, everyone has a moment of “a stupid person, or one who is slow to learn”.

People, have you ever wondered why there is so much road rage, war, hate and violence in this world.  Because someone said, did or saw something that bothered them.  If you do not like what you see or hear…look away or STOP listening.

If you want something to be offended by, come to Denver the week of August 24th of 2008 and watch all of the Trans-Western protesters.  You talk about a group of retards.

Posted in Music/Movie, WTF, Funny | Print | 8 Comments »

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 by Myke.

Okay folks, it is debate time!  According to a large number of folks, getting a natural high is better than having sex.  Really?  Really?!?  According to psychologist, Ronald Frederick, you need to look beyond the bedroom for your life’s pleasures.  Ronald says, “some of the same chemicals are involved with climbing a mountain as having sex”.  Wait a minute, just wait a freaking minute doc.  I see that both can make me out of breath.  But only one keeps a smile on my face while the other makes me feel like I am dead.  Don’t get me wrong, I am sure the face I make after climbing a mountain and the face I make after sex are pretty close to the same.  But dammit, it takes practice to imitate Goofy like that.

Sorry for the visual folks.  :-0

Four notes about this study:
1 - some people say other activities give them more pleasure than sex
2 - show designer describes footwear as thrilling
3 - climbing mountains is “better than sex”
4 - each course of a great meal is like foreplay

WOW!  I am not even sure how to react to those statements.  I mean I know that sex is not everything, but come on man…it counts for quite a bit in life.  Here is my list of 4 responses:

1 - activities like blowing up ground hogs with homemade fireworks…maybe
2 - footwear is thrilling…sorry, no comment on that one
3 - only if you are dating/married to the one hump chump maybe
4 - to me, foreplay is a meal

I am sorry folks, but I have yet to find an activity that is better than sex 100% of the time.  Correct me if I am wrong folks, but the feeling I have during sex is the complete opposite feeling I had watching the birth of my children.  Both are incredible moments in my life and always will be but they gave me a totally different feeling inside.

if you feel I am wrong, by all means pass that along to me and explain your reason.  I am dying to hear these.

Posted in Food, Fitness, WTF | Print | 8 Comments »

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 by Myke.

We all know the stories of the 1980’s East German athletes and how strong they were and how they got there.  Steroids.  The question is this, can steroids force a woman to become a man?  Yes they can according to Andreas Krieger, formally known as the medal winning shot putter Heidi Krieger.  She was a world champion shot putter from East Germany.  Her trainers were feeding her “vitamins” when in fact they were feeding her Oral-Turinabol anabolic steroids.

In 1997 Heidi went in for a sex change operation and came out Andreas.  He says that he was fed so many steroids that he soon started to have emotional and physical problems.  One of those problems was when Andreas was still a woman, she found herself attracted to other women but knew she was not a lesbian (for all of you politically correct wankers out there, a lesbian is a “woman in comfortable shoes”).

Andreas Krieger is now married and runs an Army Surplus store and has taken complete control of his life and never wants to be looked at as a victim.

This story can be found at CNN.com, Steroids caused sex change.

Okay, so I read this story and it got me to thinking.  How many other females athletes have gone through this same very problem.  I checked online, sent out emails and asked some other folks online and nothing.  But if you think about this, steroids back then were something new tot he world and if he took them for as long as he claims, it could in fact cause his estrogen levels to drop and his testostorine levels to rise.  And you figure over the years that had to really take a toll.  But to cause that much emotional trauma, that was amazing to read.  Again, I have learned something new about the transgender generation.

Posted in The Facts, WTF | Print | No Comments »